


To the Fields of Our Home

by FivePips



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Flashback, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, M/M, Past Child Abuse, death of a sibling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-08-11 15:33:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7898158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FivePips/pseuds/FivePips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twelve years after leaving Godric's Hollow, Sirius Black has to return home to bury his brother. He has to face the demons of his past as he navigates back into the lives of the most important people he left behind all those years ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Coming Home

**Author's Note:**

> Title From the Tallest Man on Earth's song "Fields of Our Home":
> 
> So you honestly believe in me  
> Though I wake up every night, oh  
> And I've been dreaming of a second rush  
> While the first one leaves your eye
> 
> What if you'd never been through lies,  
> Young sorrow, Wailing loans  
> What if you'd never seen through that  
> To the fields of our home
> 
> Always rumours of a flame in town  
> Not by parents ever traced, no  
> Just a part of what we do out here  
> Subtle early, vicious late
> 
> What if I'd never been through finds  
> Of sorrow, wailing loans  
> What if I'd never seen through that  
> To the fields of our home
> 
> When all falling down is just the travelling need  
> Of a wave  
> And the burn of salt in the cuts come around  
> Heal again
> 
> There was always racing on that crossing street  
> Where you'd land on quiet heels  
> Will there ever be a sane time to  
> Let them know how walking feels
> 
> What if we never see through crying tomorrows,  
> Wailing loans  
> What if we never see through that  
> To the fields of our...
> 
> The more we believe in these frozen grounds  
> Suddenly hunger disappears  
> Will we fall as we run with our closing eyes  
> Is this a lifetime or some years?

Sirius turned down the road that would lead right through the main street of Godric’s Hollow, where he grew up near. Twelve years before he had left the place, not looking back once. He cut off all ties with his friends and family, but he was returning to bury his brother. The biggest regret Sirius had about leaving, was leaving Regulus in the hands of their abusive parents. But there wasn’t anything he could do. Plus, Reg was the ‘good one’. Sirius spent his twelve years hoping that his baby brother was able to survive and find happiness in the gloominess of the Black estate.

His childhood was filled with the terrors of the old, stone estate. Sirius wasn’t how young boys of his prestigious background should have been. He was wild and free, running around barefoot with James, Remus, and Peter, two of whom came from farmer families. They didn’t attend the public school just outside town, Hogwarts, but they had met in primary school before Sirius had to go to leave them at twelve. He never stopped being mates with them, though. On top of that, James was mixed race, which was probably worse than the poor farmers in the eyes of the Blacks. But Sirius didn’t care. He was reckless and made trouble. But he was smart and was able to get away with it.

Well, he got away with things outside of his house. Inside the walls, Sirius couldn’t even breathe without being picked apart and taken down. He wondered, after leaving, how he was able to live like that for seventeen years. It was probably because he had an eye out for his brother, who ended up turning against him as he grew into a teenager.

When Sirius was finally thrown out and on his own, his mind was on Regulus. He wondered if his baby brother would ever wake up and realize how horrible the Blacks were. Even now, driving through the village, he wondered about his brother’s life. He hoped that Regulus was happy, but he doubted it since he had taken his own life only four months after their mother died of a heart attack and a year after their father passed from some type of cancer (honestly Sirius couldn't care which type).

Thinking about Regulus’ life made Sirius ache inside. It was probably the opposite of Sirius’, who was able to live freely. Regulus was repressed and buttoned up. He probably never spoke his mind, in fear of what they would do to him. He probably went to Oxford and studied law and worked for his father. He was probably dating a horrible woman that his mother set him up with.

Sirius pulled up to the bed and breakfast owned by the MacDonald family. He used to be friendly with Mary, a friend of his best mate, James’, crush. Sirius was sure that she had spread the word through Godric’s Hollow that Sirius was coming back to take care of Regulus’ burial. He almost didn’t return because he wasn’t sure he could face James, Remus, and Peter. Or anyone from Godric’s he had considered a friend. If any of them still lived in the area, he was sure to run into them. There was absolutely no way to avoid it.

“Sirius Black, a sight for sore eyes.” Mary was standing behind the front desk with a big grin on her face. She hadn’t changed much in the twelve years he had been away. Her hair was still dirty blonde and at her shoulders but she had fringe now, which suited her heart shaped face. She was also very pregnant.

“Mary,” Sirius said, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. “I… I’m not sure what to say.”

“Glad to see you? I missed the hell out of you? You look stunning? Any of those would do.” She shrugged with a grin.

“I’m glad to see you. I missed you. You look stunning.”

“I’m a month away from popping; I’m sure I don’t look that stunning.” She groaned, putting a hand on her stomach. “Saved you the best room, of course. Pete said you wouldn’t want anything less.”

Sirius laughed, “I’m glad he doesn’t think I’ve changed in the last twelve years.” Sirius did like nice things, but he never demanded it. For a while, he was homeless in London. That was until his uncle passed away and he received an inheritance, which his only good cousin tracked him down to present him with. When he got that money, he got a flat, took his GCSE’s, and went to culinary school. Now he owned a bakery and could afford to do and by nice things every so often.

Her face fell, “I’m just joking, love.” She came around the desk and threw her arms around him. “We all miss you, you know? I mean, James was pissed that he couldn’t find you and Remus—”

“Yeah.” He cut her off. He didn’t want to talk about how bad his friends hurt.

She stepped back from Sirius. “They’re so happy you’re back here. I mean, not for the circumstances, but to see you. It’s been so long, but they love you.”

Sirius nodded.

“Look, let’s get you settled, and then maybe you can go see James. He and Lil—“

“Lily Evans?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

Mary laughed, “Oh yes, Lily Evans-Potter to be exact. She gave in after you left and he stopped being such a twat.”

“I guess anything’s possible.” Lily hated James with a fiery passion. He was sure that she would eventually kill him if he didn’t stop fancying her. That or James would just die from a broken heart.

“It was quite a shock to us all.” Mary smiled. “Come on; I’ll show you to the room and tell you where you can find James and Lily.”

***

Two hours later, Sirius was walking up to the winery now owned by James and Lily. The Potters had put the money down for the two, according to Mary. Effie and Monty, James’ parents, weren’t in town now, though. They were traveling in India, where Effie was from, for the fall. Sirius was glad for it because he didn’t want to see the disappointment on their faces. It was bad enough he had to face his old friends. He didn’t need it from the people he would have killed to be his parents.

As Sirius walked up to the house in front of the property, a streak of messy dark hair ran by laughing. It came back and stopped right in front of him. “Padfoot?” The kid asked. The kid was a Potter, 100% carbon copy of James from their younger years.

“How do you know my nickname?” Sirius asked the kid.

“Dad talks about you a lot. Mum too but dad way more.” The kid spoke quickly. “Come on. I’m Harry by the way. I was going to see my mate, Ron but I think you being here is cooler. Dad said your brother died, I’m sorry. That’s probably super sad. I’m happy you’re here, though; I always wanted to meet you.”

Sirius was speechless. He knew everyone lives went on, but this was ridiculous. He hadn’t thought any of them would have kids; it just seemed so grown up. But they were grown-ups; they were all pushing thirty now.

Harry was gabbing on as he led Sirius passed the house and out to another structure in the back that was clearly an area for visitors of the vineyard. When they stepped inside, James, Lily, and Peter were all chatting and laughing about something. Like Mary, they were all he same but just a little older and a little bit different. But it soon grew quiet when they realized that Sirius was standing in the room.

“Dad, Padfoot!”

“I can see that.” James stood up with a grin on his face. “Mate, I’ve missed you so much.”

“So you’re not going to punch me?”

“I thought about it but no, I’m not going to punch you. Maybe a few years ago I would have but not now.” James came over to Sirius and wrapped him in a hug. “I’m so sorry about Regulus.”

“I haven’t seen him in twelve years,” Sirius said quietly. He had so many emotions going on inside of him; he wasn’t sure what to feel. He was almost a bit numb.

“You still care about him because you’re a good person.” James pulled back but kept his hands on Sirius’ shoulders. “It’s so good to see you. I just wish it was for better reasons.”

“God, Sirius, have you cut your hair since you left Godric’s?” Peter said with a laugh, giving Sirius’ long hair a playful tug.

“How is your hair better than mine?” Lily complained before hugging him. “Even though you drove me mad, I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too, Evans. I missed you all.” As Sirius spoke, the door opened again behind him.

“I brought that cheese my dad was —“

Without turning around, he knew that Remus was standing behind him, probably gaping like an idiot.

“The cheese my dad was talking about.” Remus finished his sentence as Sirius turned to look at him. “Didn’t think you had the bollocks to turn up here.” Remus moved passed him, carrying a box. “I can’t stay and catch up like nothing has happened because I’ve things to do.” He dropped the box on the bar in the corner. “Sorry about Reg and all that.” He gave Sirius a nod before kissing Lily on the cheek, giving Harry’s hair a ruffle, and taking off like he had never been there.

“Why is Moony acting all mad at Padfoot?” Harry asked.

“It’s a bit complicated, love. Why don’t you go see Ron now, it’s not nice to say you’re coming over and not show up?” Lily encouraged her son.

“Okay.” Harry groaned. “Are you going to be here when I come back?”

“Um, not sure, but I’ll visit again before I go. I’m around for a few days.”

Harry beamed. “Good because there’s sooooooo much I want to talk about and show you! Bye!” He ran out the door.

“Come on, sit down, and we’ll open a bottle of wine if you don’t have to be anywhere.”

“I have to be at the church and talk to Andi about Reg’s will tomorrow, but I’m free for tonight.”

“Excellent.” James led him to a large round table in the center of the room. “So, what’s your life like?”

“Um, I own a bakery in London, and I’m living with this bloke.” Sirius shrugged. He wished that Benjy, his live-in boyfriend and probably soon to be fiancé, was there with him but he was a doctor, and there was no way he could get any time off.

“I guess you didn’t just stop growing.” Lily laughed. “I’ve always imagined you like how you were back then.”

“I did the same, but you’re all popping out kids and running businesses.”

“No kids for you, then?” Peter asked.

“Not yet. Probably not ever.”

James’ face went from happy to solemn in a flash. “This is so strange.”

Sirius let out a long, shaky breath. “I know.” He was so emotionally exhausted, that this all felt like a strange dream. “If you want me to leave, I can.”

James snickered as he opened the wine. “Don’t even think about. Remus might not want to talk to you but I will. So, what did you do when you left? There was a long time I thought you’d end up dead on the street.”

“Er, well, I was sort of living rough for a bit. But Andi found me and handed me a big cheque for Uncle Al’s inheritance. I bought a flat, sat the GCSEs, and went to uni. I already told you the rest, I guess.”

“I need to go to London just to check out your place,” Peter said. “Too bad we didn’t know about the bakery for any of our weddings, could have got a cake for free.”

“Fuck off. I would have made you pay.” Sirius joked, laughing a little for the first time. “So, what have you lot been up to?”

James talked about how he and Lily got together and eventually went off to university together. They got into a bit of trouble when Lily got pregnant with Harry in the middle of it all but thanks to the Potters, things worked out fine, and they finished up. They eventually bought the vineyard and were running a successful place. Harry was a good kid, who was interested in football. Lily wanted to have another soon.

Peter explained how he and Mary ended up as a couple when they both were on break from university. Mary ended up taking over the bed and breakfast after they finished school, so they both moved back, and Peter helped out there and on his parent’s farm.

“How about Remus?” Sirius asked after they had finished the bottle of wine. “What’s he been up to?”

“You should talk to him yourself,” Lily said quickly. “You two need to deal with whatever that is. What even happened? He never said.”

Sirius bit his lip and shook his head. “Nothing, why?” It wasn't nothing, it was very much the opposite of nothing. But no one knew the real story. They only speculated to no end.

“We knew you were together, you just never said.” Peter rolled his eyes.

“We weren’t.” Sirius shook his head, lying blatantly.

“If you’d just fess up to it, it’d be nice.”

“There’s nothing to fess up to.” Sirius said and went on to change the subject, “Tell me about Reg, what was he like.”

James went on to talk about how he never saw the younger Black outside of Hogwarts. He had nothing to offer on the life of his brother in the years that he was gone.

***

_"What are you doing tonight?” Sirius asked, skipping rocks on the pond on the Lupin’s property._

_“I don’t know. I was just going to stay home.”_

_“Mckinnons are having a party.” Sirius looked over his shoulder at Remus, who was splayed out on the cool grass. His hands were under his head, pillowing it, so his shirt was riding up just enough to show a strip of his bare lower abdomen._

_“I have a headache.”_

_“Oh,” Sirius frowned, walking over to where Remus was sitting and dropped to his knees by the other teen’s head. “Why?”_

_“Dunno.” He shrugged, his eyes still closed. “But I don’t want to go to a party with it.”_

_Sirius huffed a breath before leaning down and daringly pressing a kiss to Remus’ forehead._

_Remus cracked an eye open at Sirius, “What’d you do that for?”_

_Sirius blushed, “I don’t know. I just did it.”_

_“Because you’re Sirius Black and just do things, doesn’t mean you can go putting your lips on people’s forehead whenever you want.”_

_Sirius flopped back on to his back and covered his face with his hands. “Sorry.”_

_“God, now you’re embarrassed. Bullshite.” Remus said and soon there was a pair of lips on the back of Sirius’ hand. “If you wanted to snog me you could ask.”_

_Sirius dropped his hands and looked up to see Remus staring down at him._

_“I know you fancy me. I’m not daft. I think everyone knows you fancy me.”_

_Sirius’ heart quickened. He’d never said anything, but since they were boys, he always had a special place in his heart for Remus Lupin. When he started to turn into a teenager, he realized he wanted to do more than just spend all of his free time with him. He wanted to be with him, like BE with him and only him. Not in the way he wanted to be with James or Pete. They were fifteen, and he just wanted Remus. Full stop. He just never thought Remus would want him in the same way._

_“Everyone can’t possibly know.” Sirius tried to play it cool._

_“Fuck off, you’re so obvious, it hurts sometimes.”_

_“You’d let me snog you?” Sirius raised a daring eyebrow._

_“I’m the opposite of obvious apparently.” Remus rolled his eyes before leaning down to press his lips to Sirius’. “Hope that answers the question.”_

_“Might need a few more for it to sink in,” Sirius grinned, and Remus hit him lightly on the shoulder before kissing him again, this time, a little deeper._

_There was no way that he was going to make it to the party now._


	2. Don't Burn Out

“This can’t be right.” Sirius shook his head, staring at the papers in front of him. Andi, Sirius’ cousin and now executor of Regulus’ will, was sitting across from him at her desk. She worked for the local barrister now, which was a surprise to Sirius. Then again, there were no more Blacks in or near Godric’s.

“How can I get the Black fortune? I was disowned?” Sirius rubbed his forehead.

Andi shrugged, “You may have been, but Regulus decided that he would give it all to you when he passed. He was the one who inherited it, so it was his to give. Be glad it’s not going to some shite cousin, like either of my sisters and their mad cousins.” She scoffed at the idea of giving all that money and the estate to Bella or Cissy.

“I, I don’t want it.” Sirius shook his head. He washed himself of the Blacks long ago. He didn’t want to delve back in.

“It’s just money. It won’t actually make you evil.” She assured her cousin.

“What if I donate the money? I’ll keep the house here because it’s historical but I refuse to go in there. I’ll hire people to care for it. Make it some nice museum, and something Mother would have hated…” Sirius bit his lip.

“You don’t need any money at all?”

“I’m fine, Andi. I’ve plenty, more than enough. If I ever did need cash, I’d sell the bloody house. I won’t touch any of that fortune, and I don’t want it.” Sirius fidgeted in his seat. “Did Reg leave… like… er, a suicide note?”

“Okay, we’ll deal with where you want the money to go another time. Give you sometime to think about that.” She shuffled some papers around and eventually fished out an envelope. “This is what Reg left. He’d been staying in the house since your parents passed and I hadn’t seen him. Sorry, there’s not much I can tell you about him.”

Sirius frowned, taking the letter. “So, you don’t know how he was either?”

She shook her head. “He left after school, went to uni, and only came back when your father got sick. Reg always kept to himself, even after you left. He was always quiet, never really said or did much.”

That sounded like his brother. Where Sirius was loud and outgoing, Regulus was quiet and reserved. The brothers may have been strikingly similar in appearance, but that was where the similarities stopped.

“Read that. Maybe it will give you some idea to what was going on,” Andi said as Sirius stuck the letter in his pocket. He wanted to read it, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready for it quite yet. “So, if you sign these and start thinking about where you want to put the money, that’s good enough for now.”

“Thanks, Andi. I wish I’d see you more outside of when people die and leave me ridiculous amounts of money.”

“Yeah, that’s mostly on you.” She said with a smile. “Let’s try to make this more of a regular thing, yeah? How about you come by for dinner tonight?”

“Okay, I can do that.”

“Nym can’t wait to see you. Outside of her being twelve years older than since you saw her last, she’s dyed and cut her hair about a million times, so she looks like a new person weekly or something. She has the Black rebel streak in her bones.”

“Good on her.” Sirius smiled. He loved Nym when she was born from the time he left. She was a fun, spunky, little thing.

“So, I’ll see you tonight, then?”

“I’ll be there,” Sirius assured Andi.

***

Following dinner that night, Sirius’ spirit felt a little lifted. Being around family he actually loved, was nice. For some reason it made him feel less bad than being with his old friends. Maybe because there wasn’t so much heavy history between him and Andi.

Instead of heading back to the bed and breakfast, Sirius choose to take a walk around town. He ended up walking the distance from Andi’s house in the village to the Lupin farm. Sirius wanted to talk to Remus, but he really didn’t at the same time. Then again, that was his whole life. He spent years in London, trying to move on but also wanting to go back to Godric’s Hollow and live on a farm with Remus.

Sirius sat on the ground just outside the sheep pasture of the farm. Not a minute later the sound of Mr Lupin’s old truck came rattling up. It came to a stop not far from where he was sitting, and the engine was cut. “You don’t have security,” Sirius said after he heard the door close and footsteps coming up behind them.

“Could have got some in the years you were gone.” Lyall Lupin said gruffly. “What’s the Black boy doing on my property? Come looking to chat up my son like normal.”

Sirius felt himself blush furiously. “I did not chat up your son.”

“Sirius Black, I’ll have you remember that I caught you two snogging on multiple occasions, rather daft, the both of you. Unlike the rest of the village, it wasn’t speculation to me or Hope, what you two meant to one another.” Lyall said as he took a seat on the grass next to Sirius.

Sirius decided not to say anything.

“So, are you drunk and wander the property like old times?”

“I had one glass of wine, and I wanted to go for a walk.”

“And you ended up all the way out here?”

Sirius shrugged and finally looked over at Lyall. Just like everyone, he was the same except older. His wrinkles that had deepened a bit and his hair was more salt and less pepper. “I just kept walking.”

“Mmm, I’m sure there’s some psychological thing there, but I won’t get into it. Would you like a ride back to town?”

“That’d be… yeah, sure. How come you’re not chinning me for leaving your son?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“I could shoot you and say you were trying to steal my sheep. But Remus is an adult and can figure it all out himself. He’s been a baby and avoiding you, I’m sure, because my son is nothing if not passive aggressive and grudge holding. Potter and Pettigrew got over it years ago, but if you bring up your name to Remus, he gets that look in his eyes. You know that one I’m talking about.”

Sirius did. It was the one that Remus would give to Sirius and James when they did something that went too far. Or if Sirius was annoying Remus when he was busy working or being swotty. He also gave Sirius that look when he would leave hickeys all over his chest.

“Do you think he’ll talk to me, ever?”

“Don’t know. Have you tried talking to him?”

Sirius sighed. “He was by James and Lily’s when I was there yesterday and told me to fuck off. I didn’t even say one word to him.”

“You can’t really blame him.”

“I don’t. I don’t even know what I’d say to him.”

“Sorry for leaving might be a start. Get in the truck and I’ll get you back to wherever it is you’re staying.”

“You’re not going to murder me and dump me in a bog or something?”

Lyall gave his version of Remus’ look before standing up and heading towards his truck. Sirius chose to take Mr Lupin up on his offer because he feet were aching from the long walk from the village.

“Where are you staying, Sirius?” Lyall asked after turning the truck on. Sirius tried his best not to think about driving around in the old thing. He wasn’t surprised that it was still running, though because Lyall took good care of it.

“The MacDonald’s bed and breakfast.”

“Not the estate?”

Sirius shook his head. “I’m never going in there again.”

“I don’t blame you.” Lyall made a face as they went over a large bump. “I’m sorry about Regulus.”

“Everyone is, and I’m not sure what to say,” Sirius said honestly.

“Probably nothing, maybe a thank you, even if you’re not sure you mean it. I know you two never got along when you were older and your family — well no one was a big fan of them, were they?”

“That’s an understatement.”

“I liked Regulus, though, thought he was a good lad.”

“I didn’t realize you knew him.”

“Kept himself but was polite enough whenever I’d run into him in town. He didn’t wander on to my property to try to steal my son, like his brother.” Lyall chuckled. “Can I ask, why didn’t Remus run with you? I’ve asked him before, but he never said. Did you leave him behind or did he not go with you willingly?”

“He didn’t want to come,” Sirius said, staring out his window.

“That’s his fault, but you should have kept in touch with him.”

“I couldn’t,” Sirius said quietly. “He knew that when I left.”

“I think he had some hope that you would make an exception for him, and it still hurts.” Lyall turned towards town. “When do you go back?”

“The day after tomorrow.”

“Try to talk to him again, one more time,” Lyall suggested.

***

_“You’re obsessed with yourself,” Remus said, huddled under his blanket. They were in the bed of Lyall’s truck, in the middle of nowhere as they liked to do from time to time._

_“I’m beautiful, look.” Sirius pointed up at the night sky. “I know you think I’m lovely.”_

_“Fuck off.” Remus shook his head, staring up at the sky, following Sirius' finger. “Only good thing your parents ever did was naming you what they did.”_

_“And giving me my stunning looks.”_

_“Inbreeding did that.”_

_“You’re sweet, always saying the right things to me.” Sirius moved close to Remus, resting his head on the other boy’s shoulder._

_“You want to stay over tonight?” Remus asked, moving his fingers into Sirius’ hair._

_Sirius shrugged and bit his lip. “I’d rather not go home so if I can come over, that’d be nice.”_

_“You know you can always come over, Padfoot,” Remus said softly. “Even if you don’t want to make out.”_

_Sirius cracked a small smile and looked up at Remus, who was smirking down at him. “Do you reckon anyone else knows that I fancy you?”_

_“Mmm, probably because you’re so obvious.”_

_Sirius grinned before kissing Remus, nibbling on his bottom lip a little before pulling away. “I doubt I’ll ever feel like this with anyone else, ever.”_

_“As nice as that is to hear, I don’t want to get my hopes up.” Remus scrunched up his nose._

_“Why would you say that?”_

_“We’re teenagers, don’t people say that to their first loves all the time.”_

_“Yeah, but we’re not most people. We’re Padfoot and Moony.”_

_“Sirius, we’re not even out to anyone. Sneaking around is going to get old eventually.” Remus was always so realistic, and sometimes he had a hard time in just enjoying the now._

_“We will have one day. When we move to London and away from my family and the small minded idiots here.”_

_“Just because we leave Godric’s, doesn’t mean that we’ll magically be free.”_

_“We’ll have more freedom,” Sirius said._

_“I know, but it won’t cure everything.”_

_“You’re wise. You’re like a 40-year-old in a 16-year old’s body.” Sirius nosed at Remus’ neck. “Live in fantasy with me sometimes. It’s fun.”_

_“Sorry.”_

_“Do you want to come out?”_

_“I mean, I wouldn’t say no. But I don’t want any problems with your family for you. You already have to deal with enough. I’m happy just to be with you.”_

_“Even if you think we’re a flame that’s going to burn out.”_

_“I’d just like to state for the record, that I don’t want us to burn out.” Remus shook his head. “Now, let’s go back home before my parents think we died or something. I’m sure Mum set you a bed up on the floor because she can read minds sometimes.”_

_“And I’m sure I’ll toss around in it a few times to make it look slept in.” Sirius went to sit up, but Remus pulled him back quickly, “What?”_

_“I more than fancy you, you know? I love you.” Remus said, holding on to his bicep lightly._

_Sirius felt a warmth spread through his chest. “Really?”_

_“I’ve been trying to decide what I feel, and it’s definitely that. At least I think.”_

_“No one’s ever loved me before. I love you too.”_

_Remus pulled him in for a kiss._


	3. A Long List of Regrets

The next day, Sirius pulled up to Regulus’ gravesite, expecting to only see Andi, Ted, and Nym. It was so supposed to be quick and easy. Bury his brother then go back have a small bite to eat with the Tonks. What he found was the Tonks with Lily, James, Peter, Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, and the Prewett Brothers. He didn’t even know the last four were in town at the time.

Sirius got out of his car as the vicar arrived at the grave as well. “I didn’t know you all would be here.” He said to his old friends as he came to stand next to them.

“Of course we’re here.” Marlene shook her head. “I want to slap you about the head some but this isn’t the time, is it?” She put her arms around him. “Missed you, darling.”

“I missed you too, Marls.” He kissed her on the cheek.

“Excuse me. I want some love too.” Dorcas pushed Marlene out of the way and soon the Prewetts were joining in on the group hug.

“You, idiot, you’re never leaving again,” Gid said.

“He has to leave. He has a boyfriend and a business back in London.” Lily laughed. “But he can visit again. Come on, let’s start this, yeah?”

His old mates finally let go of him, and the vicar started the ritual of the funeral. Sirius spent the entire time thinking about how horrible funerals were. He really didn’t want to be buried in the ground when he passed away. He needed to make sure he told Benjy about that because his boyfriend was always going on about having plans for “after”. Sirius assumed that had something to do with being a trauma surgeon.

When the funeral was over, and Regulus was in the ground, Sirius was whisked off to Hog’s Head for drinks. Apparently, drinking was a tradition after someone was buried. Sirius wasn’t sure that high emotion and alcohol should be mixed like that— but did he ever need a drink?

“Where do you live now?” He asked Marlene.

“Dori and I live out Dublin. Mary got in touch with us, letting us know you were coming back, so we had to take a trip home. You should really come visit us.” Marlene leaned into her girlfriend’s side. Sirius knew they fancied each other growing up, but they never got together until after they went off to uni together.

“You should come see me in London too one day.”

“We looked you up before we came out here, brilliant bakery,” Dorcas said before taking a sip of her cider. “All the reviews say you’re ridiculously talented, doesn’t surprise me because you were always good at everything you did.”

“I don’t know about that.” Sirius shook his head, staring down at his whiskey.

“You aced everything, even when you weren’t trying,” Fabian said, and his brother nodded.

“He also always had a knack in the kitchen. Mum loved putting him to work.” James chuckled. “I’m still not allowed near a stove. I don’t understand what the bloody hell I do wrong whenever I try.”

“You’re just not good at it.” Lily shrugged. “It happens. You’re good at making wine, so that’s all I care about.”

“You know, the only person we’re missing is Moony, and then it would be exactly like old times.” Gid pointed out.

“Well, Remus hates me,” Sirius said before finishing off his whiskey.

“What on earth did you do to him, that you didn’t do to the rest of us?”

“It’s complicated and dumb.”

“What happened?”

“Look, we were a couple or whatever. I don’t know. We were in love like two dumb teenagers.” Sirius blurted, finally confirming what everyone had known all along. “When I left, I asked him to come with me and he couldn’t because that was when Hope was sick. He said that he’d come if there were a way he could stay in contact with his parents but I refused and told him it was all or nothing.”

His old friends stood around the table quietly for a few minutes. “Sounds like he regrets not going. He could have figured out how to stay in contact with his mum and dad if he really wanted. Why didn’t you just stay in contact with Remus?”

“Because I couldn’t think about anything from here.”

“Except Remus.” Gid raised an eyebrow.

Sirius frowned.

“Did you really want him to go? I think if you did then you would have let him stay in touch with his parents.”

Sirius shook his head. “I don’t know. It was all so fucked up back then. I was fucked up back then.”

“Do you still love him?” Dorcas asked quickly.

“I’m living with Benjy. We’re happy.”

“But you love Remus.”

“Fuck off.” Sirius snapped. “It doesn’t matter now. I am sorry for leaving him behind, though, just like I’m sorry for leaving you lot behind.”

“Probably sorrier.” Dorcas said. “You should go talk to him.”

Sirius nodded, “I should. Someone drive me.” Sirius jumped out of his chair.

“Are you sure that’s the best idea?” James questioned as he also stood up.

“Prongs, it’s been twelve years, let him do it!” Peter said eagerly. “I’d drive, but I’m a bit pissed.”

“I got it.” Lily held up her keys. “Come on, Black and three others who want to tag along.”

In the end, it was just James and Peter who came with Sirius and Lily to the drive out to the Lupin’s farm. Instead of stopping at the main house, Lily drove past it and down the dirt road more to a new structure on the farm. It was a small little stone house, and the lights were shining in the front windows. “Remus’?”

“Wanted his own place but wanted to stay on the farm so he built it. Well, everyone helped build it, really.” James said. “It’s nice.”

“Big enough for two people,” Lily said with a smile as she parked. “Now, off you go. I put my number in your mobile if you need us to pick you up.”

“Thanks, mum?” Sirius snickered before getting out of the car.

As he approached the front door, it swung open to reveal Remus standing there. Lily drove off with a honk when he reached the steps. “How drunk are you?” Remus asked calmly.

“Not very drunk. I’ve wandered onto the Lupin farm, far drunker than I am right now.”

Remus thought for a moment before stepping aside and letting Sirius inside the house. It was cozy and quaint, just like what Remus and Sirius wanted one day when they talked about the future as kids.

“Why are you here?” Remus asked as he led him into the kitchen.

“Because I’m leaving tomorrow and I don’t think I can do that without talking to you.” Sirius watched Remus fill up his kettle.

“I know I’m stupid for being angry with you. I just never thought we’d actually stop being in contact and seeing you made me more upset than I have been in years. I guess if you ask anyone they’ll tell you I have been mad at you for years.” Remus shook his head and turned on the hob to heat the kettle.

“I don’t think I blame you, really. I gave you that dumb ultimatum of either coming and cutting everyone off or staying and not reaching out to me.”

“Yeah and my mum was sick, you knew what I was going to pick.” Remus took a deep breath before sitting down at the small, round table.

Sirius sat across from him, and they listened to the noises of the hob and the kettle for a little while. “I wish you would have just told me that you wanted to run away from this place and have no more ties, including me,” Remus said then bit his lip. “It hurt so much because I loved you more than I thought I could. I knew we were young and daft, but I thought, honestly, we could make it work. I loved you, and you left me at a shite time.”

“I know, your mum was sick.”

“And suffered and I watched her die, and I didn’t have the one person I really wanted to talk about it.”

Sirius felt sick to his stomach. “I’m sorry.”

“You could have just told me the truth. You made me pick, and it hurt more than anything for some reason. I wish you never gave me that choice.” Remus rubbed his eyes. “It was just a hard time, and I knew it was hard for you too. But you were fine, running off. I needed to be here.”

“I don’t know what to say or do because I’ve missed you, so bloody much and I regretted that I made you pick like that.” Sirius leaned on the table. “I wanted you with me, and I wished every day I didn’t make you pick them or me.”

“You did, though, and that’s what happened. We can’t change the past.”

“But you’re going to hold the grudge about it.”

Remus shrugged. “I was over it until I saw you again.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because it brought back all our memories and it hurt. It still hurts right now, but I’ll live. I always have.”

Sirius nodded, “What’d you do after your mum passed away?”

“I went off to uni and studied agriculture and came back and made my dad’s farm the best around.” Remus smiled a little. “I’m happy here.”

“Are you lonely?”

Remus shrugged. “It’s not like I haven’t dated, you know? I have had other men and women in my life outside of you. I’m just not seeing anyone right now because I don’t want to.”

“I didn’t think you’ve been celibate because of me.” Sirius chuckled.

Remus laughed, looking over at the kettle. “You know, when everyone around you is married or getting married, they go mad trying to set up their single friend. Is it like that in London or is it something that just happens off in the country.”

“Depends.”

“Are you mates like that? Trying to set you up with people?”

Sirius shook his head.

“Maybe I should move to London.”

“I don’t think you’d like it much.”

“Yeah, the farmer boy belongs on the farm.” Remus chuckled, and Sirius felt something funny in the pit of his stomach. “You’re a big city boy now.”

“Well, it’s nice to have everything you want outside your door.”

“I have everything I want outside my door.” Remus countered.

“You don’t have me outside your door.”

“I did tonight.” Remus glanced down at his fingers. “Not that I wanted you there.”

“Sure.” Sirius laughed. “I bet you were wondering when I’d end up here.”

“Dad said you were on the property the other night wallowing like you used to. He said he thought you’d be by again because you apparently needed to talk to me.”

“I did need to talk to you. I honestly thought there would be more yelling with how everyone was talking about you being mad at me.”

“Well, people always tend to assume the worse with me for some reason,” Remus said as the kettle whistled. “I’m glad you came out here because I actually feel a bit better now.”

“I’m glad you didn’t slam the door in my face.”

“I would never, no matter how much the past hurt. I’ve been waiting for you to show up since you left.”

Sirius stood up from his chair and walked over to the counter, where Remus was pouring out the water into two mugs. “Would you believe me if I told you I’d been waiting for you to show up in London one day? Sometimes I daydream you walking into my bakery and asking if we could talk.”

Remus turned around with an eyebrow raised. “After twelve years?”

“My biggest regret was never contacting you.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“I fucked up.”

“No shite,” Remus said, but without any venom in his voice.

Sirius was now toe to toe with him, looking up at those beautiful hazel eyes. “I’m going to kiss you now, but I want you to know that I’m not stupid drunk because I know you’re going to worry about taking advantage of me. I’m fine. I want you, so bad Remus.”

The taller man let out a shaky breath. “Are you sure? You’re not going to regret it?”

Sirius shook his head, “No. I’ve never regretted anything I’ve ever done with you. I’ve only regretted things I’ve done without you.”

Remus closed his eyes, bending his head a little, and Sirius leaned forward, pressing his lips to the other man’s hungrily. Sirius put his hand on the back of Remus’s neck and pulled him closer. They stayed like that for some time, kissing and touching until Remus pulled back.

“Are you sure?” Remus said, his eyes dilated and his chest heaving.

“One hundred percent.”

Remus pulled back and grabbed Sirius’ arm to take him towards his bedroom. After that, it was a flurry of clothes being pulled off and lips and tongue and teeth and hands on each other’s body. Sirius was overwhelmed but in the best way possible. He had craved Remus, even when he was happy with Benjy, he thought about him when he was alone. Sometimes, when they were together. It made him feel like a horrible person, but that never stopped him.

Sirius felt at home against Remus. Everything seemed centered and right with the other man inside of him, on top of him, all around him. This was what being in love felt like. At least that was what he always thought it did. He didn’t get the same feelings with anyone else back in London. But here, in the middle of nowhere, he felt completely loved and alive.

Remus fell back onto the bed, half on top of Sirius. “Fuck, we’re much better at that than we used to be.”

“Yeah.” Sirius had his eyes shut because he was oddly overcome with emotion. It was like everything was hitting him at once. He hadn’t exactly expected it all to hit him after an orgasm with his first love.

“Sirius, are you all right?”

“Yes, why?” He answered, trying to keep control of his emotions but he could feel them bubbling over.

“You’re crying.” Remus rubbed his chest.

“Shite.” Sirius opened his eyes and felt his wet cheeks.

“What happened? Did I hurt you? I—”

“It’s not you.” Sirius tried to take a deep breath, but it just made him sob. “It’s not you at all. It’s just — it’s everything. Regulus, being back home — it’s just everything. I didn’t think that would happen. Especially right now.”

Remus kissed his cheeks and wrapped his arms around him. “It’s okay if you want to cry.”

“I can’t remember the last time I did.”

“Then go ahead. You deserve it after all the shite you went through. You don’t have to be so tough, you know?”

“I know.” Sirius buried face in the crook of Remus’ neck.

“I’ve got you.”

***

_“You need to get out of there.” Remus gently pulled Sirius’ hair back from his face. “They’re hurting you more than you know.” He said before turning on the faucet._

_“Oh, I’m going to be sick again,” Sirius said, closing his eyes as the world began to spin again. Bad idea._

_“Shite, you’re so pissed. Did they hurt you or did you fall on your face on the way here?”_

_Sirius puked some more before taking a deep breath to answer his boyfriend. “They did it.”_

_“This isn’t healthy, you know? Getting the shite kicked out of you then drinking and ending up on my doorstep. What if something happened to you between here and there?” Remus fretted as he ran a wet flannel over the cuts on Sirius' face._

_“I made it, ’s fine.” Sirius leaned his head back and let Remus care for him._

_“You don’t need to be so tough, you know?”_

_“I do, though.”_

_“No, you don’t.”_

_“I’d never make it if I weren’t tough.”_

_“But you don’t have to be all the time. You don’t need to be tough with me. I know that you’re hurting, and it’s not right what they do to you. You pretend all the time like there’s nothing wrong, but there’s so much wrong with your family and how they treat you.” Remus said softly. “You have to get out.”_

_“Soon and you’ll come.”_

_“Yeah, I’ll come. There’s no way I’d let you leave without me.”_

_Sirius smiled and closed his eyes again as Remus rubbed his back and dropped a kiss on the back of his neck._


	4. This Is What It Could Be Like, This Is What It Is

The sun came streaming into the bedroom of Remus’ house. Sirius allowed himself a few moments of pretending that this was how his life always was. He imagined that he stayed in touch with Remus and after everything settled and his family fucked off, he moved back to Godric’s and opened a bakery in town. He would go home to Remus every night and hangout with their mates on the weekends. They would have dinner with Lyall and Sirius would joke about setting him up with the lady who always came into the bakery alone. It would all be horribly domestic and quaint, but Sirius would be happy.

Remus moved even closer to Sirius and the man’s lips planted a kiss on the underside of his jaw. “Morning.”

“Good morning to you too.” Sirius hoped he could get a few more minutes before Remus would break their little bubble and bring in the reality like he had done so much of in the past.

“I don’t want to get out of bed.” Remus said after a long yawn.

“Then don’t.”

Remus just hummed in response and curled around Sirius a little possessively. Sirius grinned to himself at that and let himself before held. They stayed cuddled together underneath Remus’ duvet for sometime before Sirius decided to turn around and find an even better way to wake up.

Later, after waking up from a nap Sirius rolled over and looked at Remus, who was staring at him like he was shocked that he was still there. Sirius was positive that he didn’t want to give it all up now that he had it. “I don’t want to leave here.”

“We are going to have to get out of bed eventually. I know I have to have tea at some point and probably use the loo and take a shower.” The taller man joked.

“No, I mean, I don’t want to leave Godric’s Hollow.”

“Stop being daft.”

Sirius frowned, pushing himself up to sit up. “I’m not being daft, Remus. This is what I want.”

Remus groaned and rubbed at his eyes before sitting up across from Sirius. “You’re not living in reality right now.”

“I knew you’d do this.” Sirius shook his head. “What if it’s what I really want?”

“You’re so filled up with emotions and nostalgia, you can’t be thinking clearly.” Remus worried at his bottom lip. “You need to go back home to your life in London. You have responsibilities and… you just, you can’t run away again. I can’t let you do that.”

“I don’t want to lose this again.” Sirius reached over the edge of the bed to grab his pants. He was suddenly feeling very vulnerable and in need of clothing.

“You don’t have to lose it all again. You can stay in touch with us but you can’t just drop everything and flee again. It’s not on. Go home and live your life. Just add us back into it as much or as little as you please.”

“You don’t want me here?”

“I want who I think of when I think of you but I don’t know you anymore. We’re twelve years older and twelve years different.” Remus said as Sirius decided to start getting dressed.

“I’m the same.”

“I highly doubt that. I’m not the same.” Remus laughed a bit. “So much has happened to us both, that I don’t even know where to begin when I think about talking about my life to you. Aren’t you happy?”

“I don’t know.” Sirius pulled on his shirt. “I don’t know if I ever was.”

“Then maybe you should figure that out before just jumping into things again. Find out what’s right for you. I think you already have what’s right for you and you just don’t know it.”

“What if here’s right?” Sirius sat back on the edge of the bed. “What if this is where I belong?”

“Then you’ll end up here eventually. But you have to take care of whatever you have back in London. Your bakery is so successful, I’ve looked it up you know? But you can’t just leave it because it’s so great. I’m not saying you shouldn’t come back to Godric’s but I think you just have a lot more to figure out than you think you do. Do you have friends back in London, who would care if you just up and left? Don’t do to them, what you did to everyone here. Take your time, there’s no reason to rush it.”

Sirius closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. “Why do you always sound like you’re ninety years old?”

“I don’t know. Dad always says the same thing.”

“Mmm, you give the old man a run for his money.” Sirius smiled and pushed himself up from the bed again. “So, I’ll leave here today like I’m supposed to.”

“Yes.” Remus nodded encouragingly.

“But I’ll stay in touch.”

“Yep because if you don’t, James will actually murder you and I don’t fancy seeing him go to jail.” Remus said before finally getting out of bed.

“I can come back here though?”

“Sirius, you could always come back before.”

“I don’t need to worry about showing you that I’m happy if I move back?”

Remus rolled his eyes as he wrapped his bathrobe around him. “You can do anything you like. I just don’t think you should be staying here right now. If you do, then that’s on you.”

“Fine, I get your point.” As much as Sirius wanted to run away and just put himself back into the lives of everyone in Godric’s Hollow, he knew that he needed to do as Remus suggested. He had responsibilities back home, he wasn’t a teenager running away from home anyone. Sirius had friends, a business, and a boyfriend back in London to worry about.

Christ, he had a boyfriend. One he was sure who would pop the question any day now. “Oh no.” Sirius put his hands over his face and sat down on the end of the mattress. “I made a mistake.”

“I thought you’d never regret me?” Remus scoffed.

“No, no I don’t regret you but I fucked up.” Sirius looked up at Remus who was now standing in front of him.

“What’d you do?”

“Back in London… I have a boyfriend.”

Remus’ eyebrows shot up and his mouth opened but no words came out.

“I’m sorry.”

Remus laughed. “God, Sirius, you have a boyfriend?” Sirius couldn’t tell if he was angry or not, which was a bit scary and probably meant that he was angry. “How long have you…”

“Um, two years.”

“Two years?” Remus shouted and threw his arms in the air. “Fuck, I — shite, you need to go home now. What were you going to do? Just stay here and never go back to him? What the fuck Sirius? You’re not a teenager anymore. You’re almost thirty.”

“Remus—“

“Leave, please. Call James and get him to pick you up.” Remus went towards his bathroom. “I don’t think I want to see you again.”

Sirius’ heart sank.

“It’s not only the fact that I’ve just committed adultery or whatever, its just, it feels like I’m backsliding into my fucked up youth and I’d rather not. I don’t want my heart broken again. I’m glad you came and I got to see you and talk to you and I don’t regret last night but… but I think I should.” Remus shook his head before disappearing into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

Fifteen minutes later, Remus was still in the bathroom with the shower running and James Potter pulled up in front of Remus’ little farm house. “So, you shagged him?” James raised an eyebrow.

“Why would you say that?”

“You’re all rumpled and smell like sex.” James said as he pulled away. “I’m taking it didn’t end well though or Moony’d be driving you back to your place.”

“Ah, yeah, remember I sort of have a boyfriend.”

“Shite.”

Sirius swallowed hard. “Yep and I told him and he was not happy with me.”

“Couldn’t really blame him, could you?”

“No. I just suck at leaving him behind don’t I?”

“Maybe you didn’t want to leave him with any false hope?”

“False hope?”

“Yeah, maybe you really don’t want to be here or with him and you want to be back in London so you just made a clean break.”

Sirius put his hand over his face. “I have no idea.” He really didn’t.

***

“I’m sorry I couldn’t have been there.” Benjy ran his fingers through Sirius’ hair. His head was pillowed on the other man’s lap.

“It’s fine.” Sirius squeezed his knee and tried to focus on the telly. It was on some program about ladies selling knickers and dildos. It looked funny but Sirius was having a hard time concentrating because he kept thinking of himself as a cheater.

Sirius had just got back home to find Benjy waiting for him with dinner on the table. It was all perfectly domestic and just what Sirius wanted. Except, he was fairly certain it was with the wrong man. But Benjy was there. He was reliable and sweet and did everything that a perfect boyfriend was supposed to do.

“Sirius, I think this is a ridiculously inappropriate time but I’ve missed you so much and I don’t want to wait any longer.” Benjy nudged Sirius so he would sit up.

“You’re going to ask me to marry you?” He sat up as Ben dug a hand into his pocket.

Benjy bit his lip and smiled at the same time. Something Sirius always found adorably endearing. “It’s a horrid time, isn’t it?”

Sirius laughed because he wasn’t sure what else to do.

“You’re going to say no.”

“No.”

Benjy nearly dropped that box. “I knew it.”

“No, no. I mean yes, yes I’ll marry you.” Sirius felt like he couldn’t let this good thing in his life get away. If he couldn’t have Remus…

“Oh thank god, I thought I was an idiot for doing it now.”

“You are a bit.” Sirius said as Ben grabbed his left hand to slid the silver band around his finger.

“Oh, thanks so much.” Benjy kissed him soundly. “I’m so mad for you.”

“I love you too.” Sirius whispered.

“I’m so glad you’re back. It’s been so lonely without you here.”

Sirius wasn’t sure what to say so he climbed onto Benjy’s lap and plied him with kisses.

***

_“You faggot. You nasty thing, if you ever step foot in this house again—”_

_“I’ll gladly fuck off and never see your face or this house again.” Sirius said as the door slammed in his face. He wiped the blood from his nose with his shirtsleeve before grabbing his pack and walking on. He had a plan, he knew this was going to happen. First he had to go Remus and tell him what happened. He needed to ask him to come._

_Sirius trekked in the rain to the Lupin farm. The journey took over an hour and by the time he got there all the lights were out. Sirius tossed a few pebbles at Remus’ window as he usually did when this happened and waited. Not two minutes later, Remus was at the door staring out at Sirius. “Are you okay?” Remus squinted into the dark._

_“Yeah. No. I don’t know.” Sirius set his pack down at the door before going inside where Remus turned on the hall light._

_Remus sighed and reached out for Sirius’ face, “You’re getting two black eyes.”_

_“I’m leaving, for good. Come with me.”_

_Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” He said quietly before dragging Sirius towards the kitchen. He silently went about cleaning up the blood on Sirius’ face with a warm flannel._

_“Are you coming?” Sirius asked again once Remus had finished._

_“My mum, Sirius, I can’t leave now. The doctor’s said she’s probably hasn’t got very long.” Remus set the flannel down before turning back to Sirius. “I can’t leave dad here without anyone. Maybe if I could stay in touch…”_

_“The point of running is not staying in touch with anyone.” Sirius refused to keep contact once he got out of Godric’s. As much as he was going to miss his friends, he knew that he needed to have a clean break. Even if that meant some potential heartache._

_“Then if I can’t call home or come home when I need to, I can’t go with you.” Remus’ voice did a funny quiver at the end to let Sirius know the teen was on the verge of tears. “If you can’t let me have that then I don’t think you really love me or want to be with me.”_

_“You’re being ridiculous.” Sirius snapped at Remus. “You know why I don’t want to keep in touch, you knew when I decided to finally run, it would be on those terms. You can’t be mad at me over it.”_

_“I was hoping if you wanted me to go, you’d let me at least stay in touch with my parents. Especially right now. I can’t leave my mum to die thinking that I ran away from home because I didn’t love her. There’s too much I have to here, Sirius. If you really love me then you’ll understand. If you don’t want me to come, I get it but I hope that you’ll think about actually staying in touch with me.”_

_Sirius felt as if someone had punched him in the gut. He had always imagined Remus by his side when it was time to leave. He pictured himself with his head on Remus’ shoulder on the train to London. Trying to figure their lives out together. But now he was going to have to do it alone. Maybe that was what he needed. “Fine.” Sirius bit out. “I’ll leave now.”_

_“I’ll drive you to the train.”_

_“No, it’s fine. I got it.”_

_Remus shook his head, “You don’t have a car or anything. It’s pouring and you’re already soaked.”_

_“If I’m already soaked it doesn’t matter.” Sirius made a move to head out of the kitchen but Remus grabbed his arm._

_“Just stay tonight and tomorrow — I don’t know, we’ll figure it out.”_

_Sirius was afraid if he didn’t leave then he’d be stuck there and never get to live the life that he wanted to live. “I can’t. I have to go now.”_

_“You’re being daft. Do you even have any money? Where are you going to stay?”_

_“I’ll figure it out.”_

_“Being homeless isn’t exactly glamorous.”_

_“It’s better than living in Godric’s anymore.” Sirius licked his lips before leaning forward and pressing a chaste kiss on to Remus’ lips._

_“You’re so stupid.” Remus whispered then let go of Sirius. “Just let me know you’re okay. Please, even if you don’t stay in touch later. Just let me know that you’re all right some how, sometime soon.”_

_“I’ll try.” Sirius said. He walked out of the kitchen, gathered his things, and headed back out into the storm alone._


	5. Months and Months and Months Later

Seven months later, Sirius paced the room where he was being held before his wedding. He wasn’t sure why he was doing this. He was running from a life that he didn’t need to run from anymore. He could have anything that he wanted. He could live wherever he wanted. But Sirius was still thinking about walking down the aisle and pretending to be happy. He didn’t need to force it. He could be happy alone.

“You okay, mate?” James asked, coming into the room. “You look pale as a ghost. Having cold feet?” He and James had been in constant communication since Sirius left Godric’s Hollow. They repaired their friendship so much that James was his best man, and Peter was in the wedding as well. All his Godric’s friends were there with the exception of Remus.

“They’re bloody freezing. They’re probably blue.” Sirius said, pacing the same space of carpet he had been for some time. “I can’t do this.”

“Okay,” James said calmly. “What are we going to do then?”

“Get the bloody hell out of here but, fuck, I can’t do this to Ben. He’s such a nice guy…”

“You can’t marry him just because he’s a nice guy or because you’re trying to be normal or something. You have to be happy, mate. We can take care of it.” James assured him. “Ben won’t be happy either if you enter into a loveless marriage.”

“It wouldn’t be loveless.”

“But your whole heart wouldn’t be in it, and that’s not fair to anyone, right?”

Sirius took a deep breath and nodded. “What should I do?”

“Let him know you can’t do it.”

Sirius felt nauseous. “I can’t believe I’m going to do this to him.”

“He’ll probably be angry, but I think in the end he’ll understand.”

***

After leaving the wedding, Sirius went to Effie and Monty’s just outside of Godric’s. It wasn’t far from the Black estate. He refused to go to town and avoided anyone who was not the Potters. He needed some time to get his head together and figure out what he was going to do now. Alice and Frank were fine taking care of the bakery for a bit. He had plenty of money to rely on. But he wanted to figure out his path. Sirius had spent enough time drifting and pretending. He wanted to know what to do.

The first choice that he made was how to donate the Black fortune. He asked Andi to help him get a fund set up for homeless LGBT+ teens. Eventually, he wanted to open some type of shelter, but that would take some time. He also deposited money into an account for possible future children of himself and his friends for college funds.

When he was done with that, he found himself missing Regulus more so than he had ever done in the past. Sirius decided to dig out the suicide note that Regulus had left behind, and Sirius never read. He wasn’t ready for what read but in a good way.

 _Sirius,_  
_I know you’re shocked with how things are right now. We haven’t spoken for over twelve years, and I’m sure you’d be surprised to know that I think about you all the time. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but my life wasn’t horrible all the time. I know it’s crazy, but I’m not killing myself because I’m depressed, I’m doing it because I’ve Creutzfeldt-Jakob. I know it sounds like I made it up, but I didn’t. I inherited it from dad, who did not die of cancer like he wanted people to think he did because apparently, it’s not a “pleasant” disease. Whatever the fuck that meant. Cancer isn’t exactly daisy picking either._  
_Anyway, it’s a degenerative brain thing, and it’s not bloody pleasant. I had my first symptoms right after father passed. Apparently, I’ve early onset of it, and only 15% of this lovely thing cases are inherited, so I hit the jackpot here. I probably deserve it for some karmic thing for how horrible I was as a teenager. I’ve asked about your chances of having it and they said it’s ridiculously slim._  
_I wanted to apologize to you for how I treated you. When we were little, you were my hero. You were so strong and loud and everything I wanted to be but I never had to guts to do so. Then Mummy and Father got me with their terrible thinking that you were a horrid thing that I shouldn’t associate with. It wasn’t until three years after you left that I realized how terribly wrong they were about you. Mainly because I’m queerer than you probably. I’m panromantic and demisexual. Do I beat you there? Okay, probably not funny that I’m trying to make this lighter than I possibly can._  
_I managed to hide myself from our parents until the very end. Unlike you, I was afraid to step out of line and truly be myself. That was until Uni, I should say. There I got to be me, and I fell in love and made friends that were frowned upon in the Black House. I went off to the States to study to put as much distance between myself and the Blacks. It worked. Until I was sucked back home to deal with everything._  
_Outside of never standing up to our parents, my biggest regret in life was that I was never able to track you down. I probably could have if I tried harder but I was so afraid. I’d like to think we would have got on now. I wish that my health wasn’t shite for that to happen. I want to let you know that I’m happy. I was happy. I hope you’re happy too. If not, make yourself happy, doing whatever it is you want to do._  
_I’m only ending my life because I can do it on my own terms right now. I watched dad deteriorate, and I don’t want to be that way. I’m going happy, granted I would be happier if I got to live a fuller life a few more years, but this disease only gives you so long. Months, if you’re lucky. Things have been getting worse for me day by day, and when I decide that it gets too much when I can no longer be happy, then I’ll end it the way I want._  
_I’m sorry to leave you with any burden. I’m sorry that I’m leaving you all the bloody money, but I have no idea what to do with it. Hopefully, you do something like a big fuck you to dear old mum and dad. Now, I hope you can go off and be happy, knowing that I was happy too. I wasn’t old and bitter as the rest of our family._

_R.A.B_

Sirius set the letter down and wiped the tears that were running down his cheeks. Reading the letter made him wish he could travel back in time and find Regulus. But it was too late. At least he got to be himself for some time.

“Love, are you okay?” Effie poked her head into the study, where Sirius had taken over as a temporary office.

“Yeah, ah, I was just reading Reg’s last letter.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She came in and sat down on the high-backed chair across from him.

“He was happy. He only killed himself because he was sick. Like no cure sick.”

Effie frowned, clearly at a loss for words.

“I want to move back here, Effie.”

“Then what you like, you know that you can stay here. You could have stayed ages ago, but we went over that.” She waved a hand.

“No, I want my own place. Like, in the village. I want to open a bakery.”

“Well, there’s the shop front that’s open. It was Albus’ but it hasn’t been filled since he passed.” Effie stood up from the chair to reach for Sirius’ laptop. “I think there’s a flat above it that no one’s lived in for ages. I’m sure you can do something with it and make it nice.”

“Think James will be happy.” Sirius smiled at her as she clicked away at the laptop.

“He’s going to go absolutely mad, love.” She grinned back at him. “All your friends will be happy.”

“I don’t know about Remus.”

“Mmm, well, I’m sure you’ll work it out.”

“Why say that?”

“I’m a big believer in soulmates. Myself and Monty were meant to be together, so much so that I ended up in the dodgy little pub when I was visiting England for business even though it wasn’t somewhere I would ever go near. Lily and James are another pair. I firmly believe that you and Remus are another.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“You’re not moving back here for him, are you?”

Sirius shook his head. “I just want to be here, its’ home, and it feels like home. With or without Remus wanting to speak to me. Preferably with…”

***

Another five months later, “Damn, this is the nicest place in all of Godric’s.” James gawked at Sirius’ new flat. He had redone the old place over his bakery. The bakery was set to open in a few days, and Sirius was settling into his new flat now. He had officially moved his things out of Effie and Monty’s. He hadn’t been living there the whole time, though, he spent most of the five months in London squaring everything away. He got his LGBT+ Youth Organization underway and had plans to open the shelter within the year. He also spent time getting everything together at the London bakery to hand over to Alice and Frank.

“You can come over and watch all the footy that your little heart desires.” Sirius laughed as James jumped onto his comfy black sofa. “Is there any on tonight?”

“No.”

“Want to order something and watch a crap movie?”

James shrugged, “I thought we could go down to the Hog’s Head for a few pints. Everyone is going to be there.”

“Is this some welcome back thing?”

“Yeah and we’re celebrating a world class bakery opening in tiny Godric’s.”

“Who’s going to be there?”

“Everyone that matters.”

“Including Moony?”

“Actually, I’m not sure about that. Last I heard from Lyall, he was still traveling around and learning about organic farming.” James had explained to Sirius, not long after the whole sleeping together thing, Remus had gone off on some kind of journey around the world through an organic farm network. It sounded like a great opportunity, and Sirius hoped that he wasn’t running away. “He hasn’t called me once since last month when he was in Romania. I hope he’s not pulling a you.”

“Pulling a me, thanks for that.”

“Anyhow, Moony will be back. He’s probably had shite service or something. But for now, we’re celebrating you and the fact you’re here, and you’ve been back in out lives for a year as well. When Remus gets back, we’ll deal with that all. For now Mary, Pete, my parents, Lils, Haz, the Weasleys, Fab, Lyall, the Tonks. They’re all there waiting for you to celebrate.”

“I hope it’s not supposed to be a surprise.” Sirius snickered.

“No, they knew I was going to tell you either way because I’m a shite liar.”

“You really are.” Sirius scoffed. “Come on, mate.”

They made it down to the pub, and everyone was there at James named, and a few more people like Marlene, Dorcas, and Gideon who came by as a surprise. The night was going nice, and everyone was having a good time. Sirius couldn’t believe that he had spent so much time without these people in his life. For the first time, he was feeling content and happy. He didn’t realize how empty things were in London, even though he tried so hard.

About an hour in the bell dinged alerting the pub of a new customer. Of course, Sirius wasn’t paying attention because he wasn’t expecting anyone else. But when he looked up from the game of squares he was playing with Harry, Ron, and Fab he saw Remus chatting with the girl behind the bar. “Um, excuse me, lads.” Sirius pushed out his chair. “I forfeit.”

“He fancies Moony,” Harry whispered loudly.

Sirius shot the kid a look before going over to the bar where Remus was waiting for his drink and talking to his dad. “I thought you weren’t coming home for another week,” Lyall said with a twinkle in his eye as Sirius got closer.

“Change of plans. I was getting a bit homesick.” Remus shrugged. “Plus, I think I have more than enough information to last me a few decades.”

“We’ll talk about that later. Let’s have a little fun.” Lyall patted his son on the back before nodding at Sirius and walking away.

“Hi.” Sirius cleared his throat and leaned on the bar top next to Remus.

“Hi.” Remus gave him a funny look.

“I’m Sirius Black, nice to meet you.” He stuck out his hand. “I think you’re lovely, and I’d like to buy you a pint.”

“You’re such a twat.” Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head as Sirius dropped his hand. “How’s your husband?”

“Fuck off, you know I left him at the alter I’m sure Jamie told you all about it..”

“Yeah, sorry,” Remus said after his pint was placed in front of him. “You can let me be a little annoyed with that. I heard you got engaged the day you went home. Which was how many hours after we…”

“I know, I was a horrible person. To him, you, and nearly everyone in the pub because I was looking out for me and only me.”

“At least you admit it.”

“I’m trying to be less horrible if you didn’t hear,” Sirius said he could feel the eyes of nearly every one of their mates' on them.

“Set up a charity for LGBT homeless youth, I read about it.”

“Stalking me online?”

“Nothing much to do on farms at night.” Remus sighed. “I think what you did is great. I hope you’re really happy now.”

“I am and not because I donated most of the Black fortune to something that would send both of my parents spinning in their graves but because I know where I’m supposed to be.”

“That’s here? You finally worked it out?”

“It only took thirteen years and some odd amount of weeks and days.”

“That’s good.” Remus smiled.

“So, about that pint?”

“You can buy the next one.”

Sirius beamed. “Really?”

“Yes. But if we’re doing this, we’re doing it properly. I want dates and dinner with the family. All those other gross things that go along with relationships. I am not going back in the closet, I refuse.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Remus laughed. “I’m sick of not being happy too.”

Sirius grinned before jumping up on the bar.

“What the bloody hell are you doing?” Remus grabbed on to his ankle.

“I’m making an announcement,” Sirius yelled then cleared his throat. All the eyes in the pub were on him. “I’d like to thank my mates for welcoming me back to Godric’s like this, and I want to remind everyone else that the Moon and Star’s Bakery opens on Wednesday.”

“Moon and Stars? Dear God…” Remus muttered under his breath.

“Also, I fancy the hell out of our friendly organic farmer, Remus John Lupin, and have since we were twelve I think. We used to snog all the time when we were teenagers then I was an arse and left him and then fucked up again last year, but he’s miraculously giving me another chance. So, yeah, I just wanted everyone to know that.” Sirius smiled before there were a couple of cheers from they friends and Remus pulled him down.

“That’s not embarrassing or anything…” Remus put his hands on his shoulders. “Why’d you do that?”

“I wanted to show you that it’s not going to be like before. There’s no hiding, and I’m not letting the flame burn out. It’s different now.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “You’re still ridiculous.”

“You fancy the ridiculous, right?”

“Yes, most definitely.” Remus smiled before pressing a sweet but short kiss to Sirius’ lips.


End file.
